Everything.

So I'm not really sure where to start.
I've been avoiding you blog.

I'm sorry.
its just life's throwing lots my way and I'm not sure what to do with it all.
I have time to write to you I just don't know what to say
so here's whats going on.

I've switch my schedule to mornings. I work 8am to 3pm
I usually work 5 hour shifts
I'm Really, really hoping to move up in my job because that would make life easier.

If I do it will be full time and I think that would be nice but if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.
Right now I'm working 3 or 4 days a week sometimes feel like a waste of my time but i know its worth it...
Its nice because I get out of the house but i spend a lot of time with the kids still.

I've been just really stressed on how things are going to work out and I'm just really waiting on this to be in stone before saying too much about anything.
I'm excited for Sunday and Monday because I'm going to my parents house!!!!!!!
to be honest right now I'm updating out of the "need to" feeling in my pit of my stomach.

So if this post seems random. its because IT IS.

I think its thundering, but no rain. its sad.
I wish it would just DOWN Poor

I love rain.
The Sound
The Smell after
oh and the feeling.

its all amazing.

anyway on a whole new subject.
I've been reading lots of quotes and poems.

sometimes I go long periods with out reading them
Then I remember how much I love them.
how much I love words.
I love putting words together and making something amazing.

Lately I've been thinking
Selfishly Selfless.
I LOVE OXYMORON'S.
(I even love the word. oxymoron.)

I thought of this the other day, and I just keep coming back to it for describing how I approach things.
let me give you a little more detail on this.
Selfishly- Cornered with only ones self
Selfless- Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish
I want to be selfish, but in the end i usually end up being selfless and putting others first.
But I want to put me first, it just doesn't always work out that way.
I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just like the meaning it gives off. I've always loved oxymoron's.
A Beautiful disaster,
Just a Sweet Catastrophe,
Quiet storm,
really I like clever, and semi Meaningful oxymoron's, not just any old one.
well thats all for now. I'll save an update on the kids for my next post!

Once Upon A Time....

So I must admit I've been avoiding my blog.  I'm not really sure why. I'd like to say its because I'm so busy I have NO time for it, but thats not entirely true. I would have time if I would make it. I just need to figure out what is worth sharing and what isn't. but this isn't why I came to post today.
Today it is 3 years since I married Kevin. :)
And my thought is This is the perfect time to tell you our story.
Once upon a time in a land far far away.....(Just kidding)
Our story isn't like most.
But here it goes.
When I wasn't looking for love it came and found me. I say that because when I met kevin I was truly and honestly just done. Done with jerks, Done with lies, Done with waiting. I'm not going to lie, I was looking for something I just could never find exactly what I wanted. And I was even kinda sorta seeing someone else, but it wasn't really "official".. but that's another story.. Kevin's and My relationship began because  He sent me a simple "Hey how it going?" message on some social net work site I never used, but for some reason I replied. He says he messaged me because he was bored and I was cute. I guess you can say I replied for the same reasons. Kevin told me that he was in the army on active duty and would be sent over seas sometime soon. So I figured why not have another person to talk to. He was a sweet guy. Easy to talk to and as I always like to say Everything I never knew I wanted.... We just kinda happened. One day it was messages on the computer, the next it was long phone calls and text that lasted hours. I knew I loved him before our first meeting. I really loved who he was and who he is now. Kevin got hurt while he was in training and eventually was sent home to stay... Everything between me and him happened so fast. We started to talk in June started dating in July, He purposed in September, We moved in together in November or October. Then we were married in March. I barley knew him a year before we got married, but I knew he was the one for me. Thinking back on it now, it seemed so much longer then it really was.
I know this all sounds crazy. But there is even more. In January I found out I was pregnant. It was not the proudest moment in my life, but it was a challenge I was willing to embraces. Don't get me wrong here, I wanted to have kids, just happened sooner then planed... anyway back to the story.We originally were going to have our wedding in August 08-08-08 to be exact, after going to the doctor and finding out that was due in August(i actually had kaleigh (08-07-08). We moved the date and some how planed a wedding in a few months. It wasn't the wedding of my dreams and I do wish some things would of been done differently. But to be completely honest The most important thing I had on my mind was marrying Kevin. Everything else just didn't matter that much. and that was just the beginning
Now some pictures of that lovely day.

My Favorite things about Kevin are....

He is Kind, Thoughtful, Loving, a good listener,  strong, we can talk about anything, and he is understanding...

He some how was able to get me out of my comfort zone and do things I never thought I would be doing.
He Makes me. he is my other half that completes me!

Empty moments

I made this forever ago.

Years ago I wrote down "I miss you every time my life has an empty moment."
I also wrote. "I live a life filled with empty moments"
I love this thought  of "empty moments"

When I thought about these empty moments,
it was in my mind: every time what I was doing had no meaning.
Every time I did something and wish it would have meant more.
Every moment I couldn't recall and wish I could.
Every time I felt Empty and alone.
which when I was younger, was a lot.
I'm pretty sure These "empty moments" were glimmers of depression
I just know that I thought to myself there goes another empty moment.
Now I think about it and its like why was I so sad
I made this picture years ago. came across it while I looking through my pictures on my older computer.

I still Love the quote. Always as beautiful as the saddest rain storm. I'm not sure where I got it or if I made it up....I really don't know where I'm going with all this its just some thoughts I was having before going to bed last night. I guess I also was reading my old poems and quotes and realize I had forgotten that I once was just so sad/mad, why each poem is another sad story. but it was the best way I know how to express my feelings, and I guess I need to write down the sadness to forget it. I know I did A lot of that. Writing down thoughts and forgetting them, trying to forget the feelings attached to them. I guess I'm just realizing that I use to be very sad. And I know why I was sad, I can remember being upset over things that happened. Just reading the words I wrote, I guess sometimes I surprise myself in how sad I really was. Looking at all the pictures I use to save. All the broken hearts I felt like I related to some how. Or I would see and say "thats so me
Its strange to say I almost feel like I was waiting for someone to save me. I wasnt waiting for the knight in shining armor necessarily. I Knew that was just a fairy tail. I always knew I could turn to god for guidance and he was always there for me. As some of you may or may not know, I've herd the Gospel my whole life. (my parents are pastors) I know god was always there for me and I just had to ask for his help, but I guess sometimes I didn't want to admit I needed help. I wanted to be strong and do it all on my own. I know a lot of us are like that, for some reason We as humans feel it is necessary to do it all and do it right, and we like to do it by ourselves, on our own terms. I guess I'm trying to say its easier when you have a guide who can see the whole picture. God was in my life every time I had an unexplainable empty moment. he was Someone who knows why Empty moments are sometimes necessary. I don't want to live a life of empty moments, I want to enjoy each moment. Empty or whole. whatever God feels I need to experience I will. Of course I know I wont be doing it all alone. I guess i want to look on the bright side of things, and try not to be a downer. I want a happy life. Not an Empty one. I dont have a lot of "empty moments anymore. and thats something I'm very happy for