Connect with me.

I'm Baggin for a connection, But not reaching out.
I'm upset when He doesn't call, or she doesn't have time to talk.
When Its just a text that doesnt explain everything.
When I come from the conversation and feel like it went no where.
I need to make more of an effort to realize that life is busy and you are not going to be were you want to be with everyone.
I don't want to make excuses. Because I'm just as fault as the next person. Todays world of cell phones, computers and social networking has made it soooo easy for us to just say "Hi" in a text or a message and make us feel like we've really reach out in a way that was necessary for us to get connected.
I'm sorta at the point where i want to quit it all. But I so love getting to see whats going on with everyone.. Few weeks ago I've was without My DVR on my Tv. for those who do not know that means i have not been able to record, pause, skip or watch any recordings i have had before. I've come to realize how lazy and impatient I've become when it comes to things like that. I want it NOW or I want it to wait till I'm ready. I think thats Kinda how I've look at relationships lately too. If its not easy its not worth it...  AND THAT IS SO not how I really truly Feel!!! not at all. I have to say that I use to be good at reaching out, Since I've been working more I've been not so good about it. I just have to say I don't know what role I play in some peoples life. I don't want to be the over baring sister, daughter, or friend. I also do not want to come across as someone who doesn't care at all. I'm just sitting her realizing I truly have less than 5 friends in my life and that includes my husband... Since I got married and had kids most of the high school friends just kinda moved on and so did I. I've been wanting more, But I just don't know where to find it, or how to fit into my life. I know I could do this on my own and it takes time with moving and not knowing anyone and not being very involved in anything doesn't help at all.... I just so lost In my relationships. I've Had this so heavy on my heart. I just need to get it out. I have my family but sometimes you just want more then what you have. I read a quote the other day saying If you dont like where you are, Your not a tree so change it.  Or something like that. anyway.... Just getting that off my chest. I know it takes two to tango.This post has been lingering here for a month or so.... There are a few people who reach out, are there for me. and i really appreciate it .... But I feel its time to just Get it out there so its no longer a draft...
I LOVE THIS SONG BY THE FRAY. I feel like some days its my theme song.

"And suddenly I become a part of your past

I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless"

fly away with the music.

Ever since I can remember Music has inspired me so much. I always like to say music is the beat the flows through my vains. I actually started to write because I secreatly wanted to become a singer and have my music impact everyone that heard it. I'm not an amazing singer by any means, I also did not want to be Famous like the celebertys today because they have no private life. I started to write in 5th grade think at some point in every girls life they keep a diary. I got so tired of writing about my day and it always seeming to be the same that I deside that I should write songs. I always like Cleaver lyrics and things with a deeper meaning than they seem to appear to have. So this is how I came about to writing my poems I some how feel this back storys need for the rest of the post.. I have a ipod, which my lovely husband bought for me... Yesterday One of my favorite songs right before I meet Kevin was Fly Away By Paul Wright. I came upon this song Via cell phone ring tones, got to love the way you find things.... Anyway. I just love the song so much I used good to find the lyrics and Myspace to find the song. I'm not so sure why I'm being so Specific all of a sudden but I guess I feel the need to... I've had an obsession with flying. I love the freeness in it. the ability to go where ever, when ever. This song Fit my life like a glove, or I guess it would be better to say what I wanted in life.. It was amazing.

Here is the Video so you can hear the song.

here are some poems about music...

Title: Music Fades
I live my life like it was a song.
its kinda one of those slow song
that you never really feel like your going to reach the end
the music flows
sometimes it fades in and out
But the fading never last that long
so crank up the volume
so you dont have to deal with the rest of the world
But i cant wait till i get to the end of the song so i can play it all back and see why at some points it was better for the music to fade because things never seem to stay exactly the same. and then you can see the purpose of the fading in the song.

Untitled
The music stops, so do my thoughts.
The batteries are low just like my soul.
The music lets me block out the world.
without it i am lost in my other thoughts
thoughts of things I shouldn't think
but they creep into my mind in their spare time.
i wrote that. one day when my batteries in my CD player died and i didn't have anymore left.

Stress in. Stress out.

Stress in. Stress out.
Thats all these days are about.
Stress in. Stress out.
Stress seeps in. It spills out.
Before I can figure out what all this stress is about.
My minds so cluttered, My pen seems to stutter.
My fingers twitch as I try to sit still
My pen clicks when my mind goes blank.
Hoping to stir up my words
to get all the stress out before the stress gets in.
Sleepless nights make it a bigger fight.
To not let all this stress in before my pen helps get the stress out.

I wrote this at work the other day. Life can be very stressful and the fact that I work at a stressful job doesn't really help out. I deal with angry people all the time. Sometime it stress me out. Its not really like i have no food tomorrow kind of stress. its more like Emotional stress of people anger being tossed at you without any thought. I'm really shocked over the things that set people off. Everyones different and everyone has different points. I just realize to not get so angry at someone whos not at fault. I've been walking everyday in the morning and that seems to help out with any extras stress i have.
Moving on.
things have been good. Work keeps me really busy. Kaleighs been in pre-school. she loves it. collins a handful and is into everything. Life is good.
This video is kinda how i feel right now. yep. Thats all for now. the video is just the cover of the album.

a little life update. Things have been so crazy.
Kaleigh started Preschool! she loves it. but sometimes you can tell she would rather stay home and not go.
it seems like we been having a lot of interesting life experiences. First off my husband taho broke down so we were a one car family for One week. And lets just say I've never been so happy to get that car back up and running. we had to wake the kids up to take kevin to work at 5am then kevin would have to take them to pick me up at 10pm almost every day. it was crazy and I'm just happy that is over.
I work 50 hours this week! YAY over time. I'm pretty excited to see my next check. Works kinda stressful some days because some people get really upset over things they shouldnt be. Of course some people have a right to be angery.
 Every one in the family has a cold  (or allergies not sure which) and the kids went to the doctor and got shots yesterday. He said he thought it was both allergies and a cold.
I'm trying to lose my baby weight I have from collin..  That's going ok. lost a few ponds the past week or so... I'm really hoping to get back to the weight I was before kaleigh. I walk almost every day so that's really helping I'm not on a "diet" but I just watch what I eat and trying to eat things that are better  for me. I'll keep ya guys updated if I reach my goal.
I've been so crazy busy I just don't even know where else to go with this. So its just a little up date.  Hopefully I will post more later this month.

the busy work of life

As most of you know i'm going to be getting pretty busy. Just got full time at my job!! YAY! i'm so excited. A little worried i'll be missing my babies. but I know its for the best and it wont be forever! We have been really tight on money lately because we have to pay back a lot of money that we got from the army, (we knew about the first payment this year and saved like crazy to pay it) and then they turn around and ask us to do it again not even 6 months later, with 3 or 4 month notice.. let me tell ya its not easy coming up with money out of thin air. I'm really hoping I can get as many hours as possible to make sure we don't get behind.
Our little family is doing well. Kaleigh Just turned 3 on Sunday!!



My Little girl  is Growing up.



Make sure you click so you can see the whole picture!!! Kaleigh is Getting So big  I love her, But she can be very stubborn and is a lot more like me then i'd like to admit. Sometimes when she talks I hear myself in what she says. My parents say She nothing like personality wise me, But just like me Energy/temper wise. Of course she is such a girl and Although I am a girl, I've never like the Girly things, so we are not so sure where she got this all from. she has fits when she doesn't get her way, but we are working on getting her to talk about her feelings/wants instead of screaming about them... She lives in a land of Faires and mermaids, where deigo (doras cousin) Rescue animals and she helps him save them. she often "talks" on the phone with him and then when she's "done" kaleigh tells me about all the adventures they have shared. It is quite interesting.. The other night she didnt want to sit down and eat because she was talking to Diego. I have a feeling it wont be the last time she wont want to come to the table because she is talking to a boy.Even if this time his imaginary, that probably only last a few years... she seems to have a very tender soul, Easily hurt and worried about spiders and bugs hurting her. she is such a sweet girl. I love Her so much for the person she is growing into.

Collin just started to cut teeth, None have push all the way threw but they are Just sitting there waiting to pop up. I feel the bumps and i feel so bad for the little guy. But what can you do its a part of life that None of us really remember so i guess thats the best part of it. He Lives on his belly Army crawling around to whatever he sees that sparks his interest. Or he just Follows kaleigh, me, or panda, Our cat around. Every time he sees Panda he Shoots off towards her  to try to get ahold of her before she runs away!! Every so often she holds still for him and  he gets to pet her. I'm almost sure he's going to create trouble for us. Always into something no matter how long you have your back turned. He is such a happy baby giggles real easy and seems to be a very busy body.  also Just the past few week or so started to pull up on things.  climbing my leg, Kaleighs couch, our lower chairs. Its so crazy!! Just today he pulled himself off the floor to his get his toys on his exersaucer.. he got himself to his knees so he could pay with what he wanted!! kinda scared me but he handle him self very well.. Also he is Pig (and i mean that in a nice way), eats a baby jar of fruit or veggies, then something else we are having thats soft.. when it comes to food he will eat anything, yes I know he is just a baby(and of course we dont give him anything his belly cant handle), but he doesn't care what you are eating he thinks he should get some and will Lunge after your plates or hands if he is near by while you are eating. Regardless of how sad or upset I get he always makes me smile.I love my Little boy

And as for my husband, He has been working hard. Switching jobs then going back to his old one. I would ask you pray that his back gets better, it seems to take a bigger toll on him every day. I think I will make a longer post about the more detail stuff with this another time. I have a lot of Feelings about this that would be a great share another day, this post is pretty long already. I hope you like my LONG and big update. TWO in one week!!    :)

Flower my soul

So I've been taking pictures of my flowers this year that we planted... They are so amazing!! To be honest, I never really "loved" flowers before. I like how the look and smell. I've always thought they smell good. This year i didnt get ALL my flowers because, My daughter kaleigh kept picking them Or the out rogues heat  took em out as fast as they bloomed. I'm missing my rose bush, Daffodils, and some other plants i'm not really sure what they are called. Well My husband off hand remark how i should make a phone diary of our flowers because I'm always taking pictures of them...

Some of these pictures where taken with a cell phone so some of the pictures are blury.  a few are Not in my garden. so i'll let ya know.

Flower my soul with overflowing beauty. -Me

My amazing Tulips

Kaleigh with a Tulips

Asiatic Lilies (Pink)

asiatic lilies (only orange one we got!!)

asiatic Lilies (white and VERY light yellow)

not sure what this plant is
but its outside my work, and very pretty.

saw this in the Garden in Omaha

Lilium hot pink

lilium Deep pink almost a purple

these are the orangey or red ones
the pink ones all died before I got a pic.

I have NO idea what this little bush thing
we have is but it blooms a ton of these

Lilium that kevin picked for me

a picture of flowers my husband texted me!!

this one is also from the flower garden in omaha.
star flower or somthing like that
ITS MY favortie. I think.
I love the vains and the shape.
I actually love almost every one of the flowers above.

I hope you like the flowers, a life update soon promise.

a day in the life of ME.

So I've been pretty busy today. The Kids have been with grandma pracht for the day and will be tomorrow as well..
I guess I have some time to myself and I thought why not give you a day in the life of me with out my kids! lol..
Today I woke up later than usual (8:30) which anyone with kids knows thats sleeping in!!! i'm usually up by 7ish...
But anyway. after I got up, I made coffee, and started to clean up the house. Once it was all clean, I steam vac the living room !! it really need it.. Some where in there I had breakfast. and woke up my husband. (who went out and mowed the lawn). Then we wash the car and the Taho. Then we had salad for lunch. Shortly after we went to the store because Kaleighs birthdays on Sunday and we need to get her a present since we hadn't really gotten her anything yet. we need a few things from the store too. Kevin went to work after that . SO once I got home I wrap the presents and then just sat on the couch for a little while. Then I attempted to make banana muffins with crumble top. and that kinda back fired because i used a little too much butter and it melted all over the top of the muffin stead of crumbling. although they still taste WONDERFUL!!! and now I'm sitting at the computer playing YAHTZEE at pogo.com. very good thing to do when your bored and have nothing else to do! also watch a littles news and tv  here and there. Its been great to have a break from my kids but I miss them Dearly!! I always keep myself busy when they are not  around to do it.
Speaking of children, Kaleighs turning 3 Next sunday!!  my baby girls all grown up! and her little brothers not too far behind her! he the size she was at 1! its crazy how it seems like you turn around they are talking and walking and getting in to everything. Kaleigh has some of the best stories and  imagination. She recently told me she doesn't want to be human because she wants to live with Ariel (who is the little mermaid for those of you who don't know) and  be a mermaid. I told her she couldn't because i'd miss her too much and she told me I could go with her. she makes me smile ... Sometimes I wish we could have the innocents of a child again. believe anything can happen, But always thinking it will be the good. My days are nothing like this when my kids are around. I find out what going to happen with my job by the end of august so i'm hoping to get full time!!! and from what my supervisors say thats a very good possibility. any way this is just my little random update, maybe i'll do another tomorrow!
My favorite moment from yesterday!! My Children playing together.

Crazy Life

So things have been pretty crazy.  I just got promoted to customer service in my job, I will be doing more and I have way less time to myself. of course that means my blog will be neglected. I have been so busy working and taking care of the kids. I've been thinking to myself all week. oh I'll blog today. but it just doesn't happen.
My little collin, isn't so little anymore. Army crawling around. getting into EVERYTHING! Its funny say that i almost forgot what a curious little baby was like, but I have... He is such a happy baby and I love being his mom. Kaleigh is growing up. Telling me wild stories, and testing all her limits. I have such great kids.

so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with this blog because I always feel like I'm running low on time.... but i hope to get some of the stuff I write up here. Just really worried and stressed. I got a lot on my plate and Kevin working lots. I hope to start working more, maybe even get full time. Like I said earlier I will be doing customer service, which means I'll be handling all the people who have problems and or Complaints. It should be interesting and I'm slightly excited to start something new, I could pretty much do my Job with my eyes close. Right now I'm taking classes at night to get all trained, had my first week of training this week and next week I'll be on the phones most of the time. I'll let ya all know how it goes.Sometimes I really wish Money wasnt necessary. And we could just live and trade and bargain for things like way back when. Money always seems to be on the low end. Things are CRAZY. and I really wish more was just for sure and I wouldn't have to worry about what tomorrow brings....
As for now this is all that is new... Maybe I'll run with the idea of doing my peom book via blog soon. but this is it for now... I'll do some more post later!! :)

Feel to make you Real

I've been busy just living life, Enjoying watching my children laugh and grow.
I've been doing some writing, Dealing with stress and other issues that way.
Here is some recent stuff I have written.

Little girl, Don't give it all away,
you will end up regretting it one day.
I know time doesn't seem to fast,
One day you will wish this time would of last
because before you know it today will be the past.
You may be in a place
were you might not recognize your face
Were you are not sure who you are
or who you will become
You might be lost
but don't let your loneliness find you,
and bring you down
You are loved, you are cared for, you are special, and You are beautiful.
Do not let anyone tell you different.



Love in your Loneliness
Don't get lost in the sadness, anger, or fear.

Hold close everyone you hold dear.
its been years since the sadness set in.
since I felt the pain of heart break.
My pen is not my only friend.
actually our relationship has come to an end. (sort of)

I really wish that was better
But the keys under my finders are clicking
and I'm so tired of sitting
Tired of waiting and feeling so lost.
trying to find the right path to go down.
Its kinda Hard to say that I don't were I am going
I just know were I have been

I guess what I'm trying to say with these writings is, that I think too many Girls and boys are growing up way to fast, and will end up regretting their past. But every lesson is learned by each person in their own way. I know no buddy is perfect and I know I am Not.  but that's kind of getting off the subject. The other one is about feeling the realness of life and not hide behind other things. Trying to realize i have a little control over my life but its not in my hands. I have to trust that god will lead me down the right paths and things will be okay and work out. I think I finally have figured out what I will write about.  I want to be a publish writer one day. And I would love to publish a book of my poems, So I think I might start trying out my book  Idea here, Although I am slightly worried it will be copied and I wont get any credit for it, But I figure, its the Internet, Every things dated, PLUS I have all my writings in a note book so it be pretty hard to fake all that if things go bad for me in this publishing business. anyway enjoy!!

just so....

I'm just
so stressed.
so tired.
I come to this page at the end of every day, with so much to say
So much anger and frustration.
SO much wanting to spill my problems out on this page,
like some how that would make them all go away.
Out the door, My bare feet hit the pavement.
Walking seems to be a good way to work out whatever I'm dealing with.
its a good time to think.
good time for peace and quiet

It's just one of those days
when everything is completely wrong
and yet you don’t even know why
and its one of those days when you
just wish that everyone would leave
you alone and go away,
yeah its one of those days
when all you need is to be left alone
yet at the same time you wish
someone out there would care.

Its been a hard time lately there is a lot I really don't feel like sharing and a lot that I just don't know how to say without coming out the wrong way...

I Love my life, Things are not always  easy or perfect. I'm just going to leave it at that. I'll let you know if things change.


Collin and kaleigh are great. I love them no matter what kind of struggles i seem to have. They always make life seem easy and make me miss the carefree time of childhood.
Collins rolling all over the place and he just turned 6 months old!!  HE so different than kaleigh. kaleigh is defiantly at the age were she is testing her limits and seeing what she can and can not get away. But she is so smart and intrested in everything... I love them.

Potty TIME!!

Kaleigh is Finally potty trained!!!! I've spent the last few months stressing over the fact she is not potty trained, she would come up to me tell me she is wet or dirty! Everyone kept telling me she'll get it, when she does she'll start telling you she needs to go, and just last week she was doing alright but NOW she is going on the big girl potty always. We still do pull ups at night time but thats just in case, most of the time she wakes up dry.. Just one more baby to go! and well he wont be ready for a few years probably. Who knows, I"m just so excited that kaleighs going on the potty, ITs party time for the potty trainee!
Collins also rolls over to get toys and little things around him he starting to take kaleighs toys and she not so excited about sharing with him but i'm sure she will once she realize he will have to share with her too!
Anyway kevin got a new job at a local gas station, working the 3- 11 shift 3 or 4 nights a week. so he will be working less but still have the same amount of hours he had working 6 days a week like 4 hour shifts,
I have been working and switched my Schedule just an hour different but it will be fore the better! We will have so much family time now it will be so nice. I love spending time with the kids and kevin.
Yesterday we went to a carnival that was very small in the mall parking lot it was a lot of fun! kaleigh was so brave and wanted to go on all the rides, she kinda had me worried at a few the pictures will be from that!
 Well i just thought i'd give a little update on whats going on right now i'm pretty busy lately so I dont have much time to write anything else!!!!!  ENJOY THE PICTURES!!


Kaleigh riding in the train.




elephant ride!



she went high in the sky!!

kaleigh horse, she won with choosing a duck

kaleigh and her horse

collin sleeping!

Kaleigh driving!! watch out world!

I almost didnt let kaleigh ride this BUT SHE insisted and was tall enough so i let her...



she loved it!!



In a Music Moment

In a music moment.
Sitting, and listing
Finding a whole new meaning to each song.
Songs I Love.
Feeling the intense moment of when you dont want the song to be over,
Wishing to linger in the lyrics for just a bit longer.
but then it ends before you can hit repete.
a song with a new bet comes on
And you're all wraped up again.
Thoughts and feelings have always been attached to certain songs for me.
Some Certain songs make me think of certain people.

I have been listineing to music to help me sleep lately. I love a good song. This came to me the other night when I was listening to a song i loved years ago, and found a whole new meaning. I Love songs with clever lyrics and a good beat, some songs I like because what they say, I dont even like how it sounds. Thats a very rare occation though...
Also I've always loved sheets of music. I love the way notes look...

Just today I got a call from work saying they are going to move me to a CRA1 (which is one step closer to customer service)!! I'm very excited. I start my training for it this week, I'm really hoping it means more hours  and I'll be able to do more with customers. (and probably get paid more!) Yesterday was mothers day  I had a wonderful time with Kevin, Kaleigh, and Collin. It was so nice to spend time just us and really get to enjoy eachother. We had a great time at the lake (fishing) and just doing Family stuff all day. Playing games and We went on a Crazy long walk to subway (which is a mile away or so)...  Kevin Cooked me supper which was amazing. It was just some good time together, with out feeling like we had to be some where. This week is going to be crazy i'll update you on things when i know....
here some pictures of my weekend.


Kaleigh Blowing bubbles




Kaleigh and I




My Very Happy Boy



Collin Playing. almost always a Smile on his face
unless he is Hungery.

When it Rains; It snows.

When it rains, it snows.
Thats right snows.
I'm saying sometimes our problems seem bad and often go from bad to worse.
BUT Sometimes when it rains, It snows, (literally.)
Sometimes our problems don't get worse, they just take on a new form.
When your find yourself in this ruff spot you must be prepared for a blizzard that melts in days or have a very handy shovel (or plan) thats always on the back burner
That why when the weather decides to put a little snow in your rain your prepared for the worse but some how have the best out look.
The other day It rain and snow with in Mins of each other.
anyway this brought a thought to my mind that I felt I need to share
I also feel i need to say sorry for not writing but I've been busy dealing with some rainy snow. and just haven't figured out what kind of shovel to use just yet. I'll keep ya posted on it.
anyway.
this weekend was easter, it was really good had some great family time.
also today it was finally nice enough to go out and do something.
Kevin and I took the kids to the lake and did some fishing.



Collin and Kaleigh dress for easter.



Inspire Me

Staring at this blank page,
Begging it to Inspire me.
Just waiting for the words to spill out like water.
Waiting for something important to say
More important than wait i did today.
Usually I just need a blank page,
A Black Pen
A paper with no end.
I quickly run out of space
There no more place for my words.
This is why your pages are so empty.
I always think there will be pently of time to fill your pages up.
But when I sit down to you, I have no such luck.
its my deepest hearts desire to just be inspired

Sink Or Swim

I've been looking through one of my poem note book, which has pockets in it full of random paper I've written on. I've come across many things I've thought about, but forgot about once on the paper.
One Piece of paper in Particular caught my eye.

 It was from the summer after I graduated (2007)
The Summer that everything changed.
It was the summer I started down the path that got me here.
The Summer I met Kevin.
This is one of the first things I wrote after Kevin and I started to date.
I remember when I wrote this.
I was at camp.
By the water when I saw a Sign.
That Said *DANGER* no swimming.
and here is what I wrote.



Title: Sink Or Swim.
-But What if I want to Jump in?
-What if things don't go as I plain?
-What if I drown?
-What if I jump in and there is no one to save me from the murky waters?
-What if I find something new in the waters I didn't know was there before.
-What if the waters shallow enough to stand, then turns into sinking sand.
-What if the bottoms rocky and I end up getting hurt.
-What if I'm not ready to get my feet wet.
-What if it looks warm but ends up being cold.
-What if the person I want to save me just walks by.
-What if I don't want to be saved.
-What if I'm not dressed for the journey?
The water looks soo good, But I dont know if I want it that bad.
I'm so tired of these "what ifs"
I might as well Just jump in and see if I Sink or Swim.



I love this No Swimming picture.



Everything I've been writing lately is venting, or something I'm not quite ready to share.

I'm just really stressed, and very busy.
hopefully i'll get a little more time and beable to let you all know whats going on.

Children Update.

Kaleigh.

She is getting so big. She is SOOO SMART.
almost everyday she ask to go to school.
Yesterday she said "I go to school today?! I said no, not till your birthday.. She said I go to school, so i go to work so i make moneys!" made me laugh... because she had such a serious face on.
she starting to remember when i say she can have things. Example : I tell her you can have your candy tomorrow after lunch. and after lunch she will ask for it.
She is full of non stop Energy, Laughs, and smiles
Kaleigh will hold full conversations and then sometimes tell you the same thing 20 times. She does get  little whinny sometimes but they say shes at that age.
she still loves dress and wants to do everything that mommy or daddy does.
Hopefully here soon she will be diaper free. but thats a process that could take some more time.

Collin.

collin is a Bundle of laughs. He is SOO ticklish. when i put his clothes on in the morning he giggles as i pull the sleeves over his arms EVERY TIME. like it doesnt happen everyday or something.  he is such a happy baby. I am so blessed with him. He is pretty easy going and lets you know when he's not liking something. He got some coos going on. He discovered he has hands and they are his favorite thing to chew, right next to any toy you give him that he can fit in to his mouth. He also has started to play with toys a little although a lot of the time he ends up dropping them. He sleeps threw the night almost every night. sometimes he will sleep later than kaleigh. He kinda scoots around he kicks so much that he ends up going around in circles on his back or belly....

 enjoy.

Everything.

So I'm not really sure where to start.
I've been avoiding you blog.

I'm sorry.
its just life's throwing lots my way and I'm not sure what to do with it all.
I have time to write to you I just don't know what to say
so here's whats going on.

I've switch my schedule to mornings. I work 8am to 3pm
I usually work 5 hour shifts
I'm Really, really hoping to move up in my job because that would make life easier.

If I do it will be full time and I think that would be nice but if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.
Right now I'm working 3 or 4 days a week sometimes feel like a waste of my time but i know its worth it...
Its nice because I get out of the house but i spend a lot of time with the kids still.

I've been just really stressed on how things are going to work out and I'm just really waiting on this to be in stone before saying too much about anything.
I'm excited for Sunday and Monday because I'm going to my parents house!!!!!!!
to be honest right now I'm updating out of the "need to" feeling in my pit of my stomach.

So if this post seems random. its because IT IS.

I think its thundering, but no rain. its sad.
I wish it would just DOWN Poor

I love rain.
The Sound
The Smell after
oh and the feeling.

its all amazing.

anyway on a whole new subject.
I've been reading lots of quotes and poems.

sometimes I go long periods with out reading them
Then I remember how much I love them.
how much I love words.
I love putting words together and making something amazing.

Lately I've been thinking
Selfishly Selfless.
I LOVE OXYMORON'S.
(I even love the word. oxymoron.)

I thought of this the other day, and I just keep coming back to it for describing how I approach things.
let me give you a little more detail on this.
Selfishly- Cornered with only ones self
Selfless- Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish
I want to be selfish, but in the end i usually end up being selfless and putting others first.
But I want to put me first, it just doesn't always work out that way.
I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just like the meaning it gives off. I've always loved oxymoron's.
A Beautiful disaster,
Just a Sweet Catastrophe,
Quiet storm,
really I like clever, and semi Meaningful oxymoron's, not just any old one.
well thats all for now. I'll save an update on the kids for my next post!

Once Upon A Time....

So I must admit I've been avoiding my blog.  I'm not really sure why. I'd like to say its because I'm so busy I have NO time for it, but thats not entirely true. I would have time if I would make it. I just need to figure out what is worth sharing and what isn't. but this isn't why I came to post today.
Today it is 3 years since I married Kevin. :)
And my thought is This is the perfect time to tell you our story.
Once upon a time in a land far far away.....(Just kidding)
Our story isn't like most.
But here it goes.
When I wasn't looking for love it came and found me. I say that because when I met kevin I was truly and honestly just done. Done with jerks, Done with lies, Done with waiting. I'm not going to lie, I was looking for something I just could never find exactly what I wanted. And I was even kinda sorta seeing someone else, but it wasn't really "official".. but that's another story.. Kevin's and My relationship began because  He sent me a simple "Hey how it going?" message on some social net work site I never used, but for some reason I replied. He says he messaged me because he was bored and I was cute. I guess you can say I replied for the same reasons. Kevin told me that he was in the army on active duty and would be sent over seas sometime soon. So I figured why not have another person to talk to. He was a sweet guy. Easy to talk to and as I always like to say Everything I never knew I wanted.... We just kinda happened. One day it was messages on the computer, the next it was long phone calls and text that lasted hours. I knew I loved him before our first meeting. I really loved who he was and who he is now. Kevin got hurt while he was in training and eventually was sent home to stay... Everything between me and him happened so fast. We started to talk in June started dating in July, He purposed in September, We moved in together in November or October. Then we were married in March. I barley knew him a year before we got married, but I knew he was the one for me. Thinking back on it now, it seemed so much longer then it really was.
I know this all sounds crazy. But there is even more. In January I found out I was pregnant. It was not the proudest moment in my life, but it was a challenge I was willing to embraces. Don't get me wrong here, I wanted to have kids, just happened sooner then planed... anyway back to the story.We originally were going to have our wedding in August 08-08-08 to be exact, after going to the doctor and finding out that was due in August(i actually had kaleigh (08-07-08). We moved the date and some how planed a wedding in a few months. It wasn't the wedding of my dreams and I do wish some things would of been done differently. But to be completely honest The most important thing I had on my mind was marrying Kevin. Everything else just didn't matter that much. and that was just the beginning
Now some pictures of that lovely day.

My Favorite things about Kevin are....

He is Kind, Thoughtful, Loving, a good listener,  strong, we can talk about anything, and he is understanding...

He some how was able to get me out of my comfort zone and do things I never thought I would be doing.
He Makes me. he is my other half that completes me!

Empty moments

I made this forever ago.

Years ago I wrote down "I miss you every time my life has an empty moment."
I also wrote. "I live a life filled with empty moments"
I love this thought  of "empty moments"

When I thought about these empty moments,
it was in my mind: every time what I was doing had no meaning.
Every time I did something and wish it would have meant more.
Every moment I couldn't recall and wish I could.
Every time I felt Empty and alone.
which when I was younger, was a lot.
I'm pretty sure These "empty moments" were glimmers of depression
I just know that I thought to myself there goes another empty moment.
Now I think about it and its like why was I so sad
I made this picture years ago. came across it while I looking through my pictures on my older computer.

I still Love the quote. Always as beautiful as the saddest rain storm. I'm not sure where I got it or if I made it up....I really don't know where I'm going with all this its just some thoughts I was having before going to bed last night. I guess I also was reading my old poems and quotes and realize I had forgotten that I once was just so sad/mad, why each poem is another sad story. but it was the best way I know how to express my feelings, and I guess I need to write down the sadness to forget it. I know I did A lot of that. Writing down thoughts and forgetting them, trying to forget the feelings attached to them. I guess I'm just realizing that I use to be very sad. And I know why I was sad, I can remember being upset over things that happened. Just reading the words I wrote, I guess sometimes I surprise myself in how sad I really was. Looking at all the pictures I use to save. All the broken hearts I felt like I related to some how. Or I would see and say "thats so me
Its strange to say I almost feel like I was waiting for someone to save me. I wasnt waiting for the knight in shining armor necessarily. I Knew that was just a fairy tail. I always knew I could turn to god for guidance and he was always there for me. As some of you may or may not know, I've herd the Gospel my whole life. (my parents are pastors) I know god was always there for me and I just had to ask for his help, but I guess sometimes I didn't want to admit I needed help. I wanted to be strong and do it all on my own. I know a lot of us are like that, for some reason We as humans feel it is necessary to do it all and do it right, and we like to do it by ourselves, on our own terms. I guess I'm trying to say its easier when you have a guide who can see the whole picture. God was in my life every time I had an unexplainable empty moment. he was Someone who knows why Empty moments are sometimes necessary. I don't want to live a life of empty moments, I want to enjoy each moment. Empty or whole. whatever God feels I need to experience I will. Of course I know I wont be doing it all alone. I guess i want to look on the bright side of things, and try not to be a downer. I want a happy life. Not an Empty one. I dont have a lot of "empty moments anymore. and thats something I'm very happy for