just so....

I'm just
so stressed.
so tired.
I come to this page at the end of every day, with so much to say
So much anger and frustration.
SO much wanting to spill my problems out on this page,
like some how that would make them all go away.
Out the door, My bare feet hit the pavement.
Walking seems to be a good way to work out whatever I'm dealing with.
its a good time to think.
good time for peace and quiet

It's just one of those days
when everything is completely wrong
and yet you don’t even know why
and its one of those days when you
just wish that everyone would leave
you alone and go away,
yeah its one of those days
when all you need is to be left alone
yet at the same time you wish
someone out there would care.

Its been a hard time lately there is a lot I really don't feel like sharing and a lot that I just don't know how to say without coming out the wrong way...

I Love my life, Things are not always  easy or perfect. I'm just going to leave it at that. I'll let you know if things change.


Collin and kaleigh are great. I love them no matter what kind of struggles i seem to have. They always make life seem easy and make me miss the carefree time of childhood.
Collins rolling all over the place and he just turned 6 months old!!  HE so different than kaleigh. kaleigh is defiantly at the age were she is testing her limits and seeing what she can and can not get away. But she is so smart and intrested in everything... I love them.

Dear Me.

So in light of my last post I have decide to write a note to myself when I was younger. (thank you marybeth for the idea!)
I have Decided the best  time to write to me is 5th grade.  I also feel that a little back round on me is necessary before you read the letter. When I was in 2nd grade, I was held back. Also I found out I have a visual learning disability that is similar to dyslexia. I was not labeled with dyslexia because I don't see Every word back words, The words just get jumbled and I mix up letters sometimes. My Parents were told I would never be able to read above a certain grade level, spell, or do math, and I don't believe my parents told me that at the time but they did when I was in high school and doing well.  I Thank god everyday that my parents did not give up on me!!!! the years that followed were hard on me Socially. You could say I felt awkward. I knew I wasn't dumb. Everyone knew I was "special" I had a special reading/math teacher and would be taken out of class to get more help with my reading and math. My parents also got my a tutor that I worked with outside of school.
As most of you know if your different in school your made fun of and that was very true for me. I had "Friends", that picked on me, made fun of me, and it seemed like they went out of their way to make me have a bad day. I ended crying 50% of time when I was at recess, Which made things worse. This pretty much lasted till 5th grade. for whatever reason it didnt carry into middle school, and by high school I didn't need help anymore, I was in the same level as everyone else. Thats why I want to write to myself then, I know it was a very low point in my childhood.

Dear Me,
I know the last few years have not been easy for you. I know that things don't seem to be getting better, I promise they will. This pain wont last forever. Because time never stands still. One day you'll have it all together, you'll be the one laughing on the hill. This will only make you stronger. Dont let the other girls bring you down. One day you'll find a way to vent all your pain, and you'll be pretty good at it too. Thats one of the reason i'm writing this letter to you! I've always wanted to be able to go back in time, and comfort you one of those times you was sitting in the corner crying while everyone else have fun during recess. Just to whisper all the right words that you need to hear. you're strong, you're brave and you'll make it out of this some day. Trust in god he will help you. We both know that. It will seem at times he's the only one that has your back. Your struggle won't last forever, but it will forever change the way you feel about other people, it will make you into a beautiful women, who cares so much more for the left out child. You and I know what it feels like to be alone and we both know what it feels like to only want to be comforted by someone who really knows and really cares about whats going on. I will not say that you will never feel alone again, because then I'd be lying. The road ahead of you is not an easy one. But one day you will have everything your heart desires, and thats SO much better then any amount of friends.

I am still searching for what exactly i'm trying to tell you without telling you the ending, because that just might ruin the whole story. To sum it up in a few words. I know life is hard right now, But don't wonder when it will get better. Because before you know it, it will be better than you imagined. I also hope that you aren't disappointed in the way things turned out.  That you are proud of the person you've become. I know I am happy and that means one day you will be too.

Love,
ME

ALSO (not the letter anymore)
I want to let everyone know the place I found the most acceptance was at summer camp at the salvation army. I had a lot of friends there, and not many people even knew I was different or that I had a reading problem. Of course I had a lot a support from my family. I also want to say I wouldn't be where I am, or who I am, if it wasn't for this experience so of course , I wouldnt change a thing. This letter when in a totally different direction then I originally intended to go, but I like the flow and I really couldnt think of anything better to say then the truth.