Everything.

So I'm not really sure where to start.
I've been avoiding you blog.

I'm sorry.
its just life's throwing lots my way and I'm not sure what to do with it all.
I have time to write to you I just don't know what to say
so here's whats going on.

I've switch my schedule to mornings. I work 8am to 3pm
I usually work 5 hour shifts
I'm Really, really hoping to move up in my job because that would make life easier.

If I do it will be full time and I think that would be nice but if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen.
Right now I'm working 3 or 4 days a week sometimes feel like a waste of my time but i know its worth it...
Its nice because I get out of the house but i spend a lot of time with the kids still.

I've been just really stressed on how things are going to work out and I'm just really waiting on this to be in stone before saying too much about anything.
I'm excited for Sunday and Monday because I'm going to my parents house!!!!!!!
to be honest right now I'm updating out of the "need to" feeling in my pit of my stomach.

So if this post seems random. its because IT IS.

I think its thundering, but no rain. its sad.
I wish it would just DOWN Poor

I love rain.
The Sound
The Smell after
oh and the feeling.

its all amazing.

anyway on a whole new subject.
I've been reading lots of quotes and poems.

sometimes I go long periods with out reading them
Then I remember how much I love them.
how much I love words.
I love putting words together and making something amazing.

Lately I've been thinking
Selfishly Selfless.
I LOVE OXYMORON'S.
(I even love the word. oxymoron.)

I thought of this the other day, and I just keep coming back to it for describing how I approach things.
let me give you a little more detail on this.
Selfishly- Cornered with only ones self
Selfless- Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish
I want to be selfish, but in the end i usually end up being selfless and putting others first.
But I want to put me first, it just doesn't always work out that way.
I'm not really sure how to describe it, I just like the meaning it gives off. I've always loved oxymoron's.
A Beautiful disaster,
Just a Sweet Catastrophe,
Quiet storm,
really I like clever, and semi Meaningful oxymoron's, not just any old one.
well thats all for now. I'll save an update on the kids for my next post!

Once Upon A Time....

So I must admit I've been avoiding my blog.  I'm not really sure why. I'd like to say its because I'm so busy I have NO time for it, but thats not entirely true. I would have time if I would make it. I just need to figure out what is worth sharing and what isn't. but this isn't why I came to post today.
Today it is 3 years since I married Kevin. :)
And my thought is This is the perfect time to tell you our story.
Once upon a time in a land far far away.....(Just kidding)
Our story isn't like most.
But here it goes.
When I wasn't looking for love it came and found me. I say that because when I met kevin I was truly and honestly just done. Done with jerks, Done with lies, Done with waiting. I'm not going to lie, I was looking for something I just could never find exactly what I wanted. And I was even kinda sorta seeing someone else, but it wasn't really "official".. but that's another story.. Kevin's and My relationship began because  He sent me a simple "Hey how it going?" message on some social net work site I never used, but for some reason I replied. He says he messaged me because he was bored and I was cute. I guess you can say I replied for the same reasons. Kevin told me that he was in the army on active duty and would be sent over seas sometime soon. So I figured why not have another person to talk to. He was a sweet guy. Easy to talk to and as I always like to say Everything I never knew I wanted.... We just kinda happened. One day it was messages on the computer, the next it was long phone calls and text that lasted hours. I knew I loved him before our first meeting. I really loved who he was and who he is now. Kevin got hurt while he was in training and eventually was sent home to stay... Everything between me and him happened so fast. We started to talk in June started dating in July, He purposed in September, We moved in together in November or October. Then we were married in March. I barley knew him a year before we got married, but I knew he was the one for me. Thinking back on it now, it seemed so much longer then it really was.
I know this all sounds crazy. But there is even more. In January I found out I was pregnant. It was not the proudest moment in my life, but it was a challenge I was willing to embraces. Don't get me wrong here, I wanted to have kids, just happened sooner then planed... anyway back to the story.We originally were going to have our wedding in August 08-08-08 to be exact, after going to the doctor and finding out that was due in August(i actually had kaleigh (08-07-08). We moved the date and some how planed a wedding in a few months. It wasn't the wedding of my dreams and I do wish some things would of been done differently. But to be completely honest The most important thing I had on my mind was marrying Kevin. Everything else just didn't matter that much. and that was just the beginning
Now some pictures of that lovely day.

My Favorite things about Kevin are....

He is Kind, Thoughtful, Loving, a good listener,  strong, we can talk about anything, and he is understanding...

He some how was able to get me out of my comfort zone and do things I never thought I would be doing.
He Makes me. he is my other half that completes me!

Empty moments

I made this forever ago.

Years ago I wrote down "I miss you every time my life has an empty moment."
I also wrote. "I live a life filled with empty moments"
I love this thought  of "empty moments"

When I thought about these empty moments,
it was in my mind: every time what I was doing had no meaning.
Every time I did something and wish it would have meant more.
Every moment I couldn't recall and wish I could.
Every time I felt Empty and alone.
which when I was younger, was a lot.
I'm pretty sure These "empty moments" were glimmers of depression
I just know that I thought to myself there goes another empty moment.
Now I think about it and its like why was I so sad
I made this picture years ago. came across it while I looking through my pictures on my older computer.

I still Love the quote. Always as beautiful as the saddest rain storm. I'm not sure where I got it or if I made it up....I really don't know where I'm going with all this its just some thoughts I was having before going to bed last night. I guess I also was reading my old poems and quotes and realize I had forgotten that I once was just so sad/mad, why each poem is another sad story. but it was the best way I know how to express my feelings, and I guess I need to write down the sadness to forget it. I know I did A lot of that. Writing down thoughts and forgetting them, trying to forget the feelings attached to them. I guess I'm just realizing that I use to be very sad. And I know why I was sad, I can remember being upset over things that happened. Just reading the words I wrote, I guess sometimes I surprise myself in how sad I really was. Looking at all the pictures I use to save. All the broken hearts I felt like I related to some how. Or I would see and say "thats so me
Its strange to say I almost feel like I was waiting for someone to save me. I wasnt waiting for the knight in shining armor necessarily. I Knew that was just a fairy tail. I always knew I could turn to god for guidance and he was always there for me. As some of you may or may not know, I've herd the Gospel my whole life. (my parents are pastors) I know god was always there for me and I just had to ask for his help, but I guess sometimes I didn't want to admit I needed help. I wanted to be strong and do it all on my own. I know a lot of us are like that, for some reason We as humans feel it is necessary to do it all and do it right, and we like to do it by ourselves, on our own terms. I guess I'm trying to say its easier when you have a guide who can see the whole picture. God was in my life every time I had an unexplainable empty moment. he was Someone who knows why Empty moments are sometimes necessary. I don't want to live a life of empty moments, I want to enjoy each moment. Empty or whole. whatever God feels I need to experience I will. Of course I know I wont be doing it all alone. I guess i want to look on the bright side of things, and try not to be a downer. I want a happy life. Not an Empty one. I dont have a lot of "empty moments anymore. and thats something I'm very happy for

Time for me.

Lately I've been trying to set more time aside for myself.

Its been going well. Usually my "me time" is at work.

Its works out great, when we are not busy.

But when we are, I just find myself getting more frustrated.

Just so you know I work in a cabelas call center,

So when I'm not taking calls I'm aloud to read, write, and draw to keep myself busy.

My Favorite thing is writing. I LOVE to write.

I've been writing several pages a day. and thats why I havent really updated my blog.

by the time I get home, I have nothing left to say.

I'm sure your not thinking the same thing I am.

a little sharing is in order.

I guess I get nerves when I know someones going to read my deepest thoughts,
but I'm so tired of writing for anyone else but me. So here are some thoughts/poems.

sometimes a little fence keeping you from a big beautiful green field.

I just want all these words to spill out on to this page,
but none of them will come out
And none of them will go away.

its amazing how easily something breaks even though you've had it for a long time.

Sometimes moving forward can be has hard as looking back.

And here are some pictures of my children.

This is kaleigh. she is all dress up for our family pictures we took on friday. She is wearing her "sparkly Crown" as she likes to call it. and is very happy. She is growing up so fast. I can almost say she is not a toddler anymore. its crazy how fast she is growing and changing.  She has full out conversations with me now. I can not believe how much she knows. she is always surprising me with how smart she is.. My babys not such a baby anymore....

Collin has been getting bigger, growing a lot! he is so cute and happy! I just LOVE HIM! Daddy was trying to get him to smile real big for the camera and he did of course! He has started to laugh, I should say its more of a giggle. its still the cutest thing EVER!

Dear Me.

So in light of my last post I have decide to write a note to myself when I was younger. (thank you marybeth for the idea!)
I have Decided the best  time to write to me is 5th grade.  I also feel that a little back round on me is necessary before you read the letter. When I was in 2nd grade, I was held back. Also I found out I have a visual learning disability that is similar to dyslexia. I was not labeled with dyslexia because I don't see Every word back words, The words just get jumbled and I mix up letters sometimes. My Parents were told I would never be able to read above a certain grade level, spell, or do math, and I don't believe my parents told me that at the time but they did when I was in high school and doing well.  I Thank god everyday that my parents did not give up on me!!!! the years that followed were hard on me Socially. You could say I felt awkward. I knew I wasn't dumb. Everyone knew I was "special" I had a special reading/math teacher and would be taken out of class to get more help with my reading and math. My parents also got my a tutor that I worked with outside of school.
As most of you know if your different in school your made fun of and that was very true for me. I had "Friends", that picked on me, made fun of me, and it seemed like they went out of their way to make me have a bad day. I ended crying 50% of time when I was at recess, Which made things worse. This pretty much lasted till 5th grade. for whatever reason it didnt carry into middle school, and by high school I didn't need help anymore, I was in the same level as everyone else. Thats why I want to write to myself then, I know it was a very low point in my childhood.

Dear Me,
I know the last few years have not been easy for you. I know that things don't seem to be getting better, I promise they will. This pain wont last forever. Because time never stands still. One day you'll have it all together, you'll be the one laughing on the hill. This will only make you stronger. Dont let the other girls bring you down. One day you'll find a way to vent all your pain, and you'll be pretty good at it too. Thats one of the reason i'm writing this letter to you! I've always wanted to be able to go back in time, and comfort you one of those times you was sitting in the corner crying while everyone else have fun during recess. Just to whisper all the right words that you need to hear. you're strong, you're brave and you'll make it out of this some day. Trust in god he will help you. We both know that. It will seem at times he's the only one that has your back. Your struggle won't last forever, but it will forever change the way you feel about other people, it will make you into a beautiful women, who cares so much more for the left out child. You and I know what it feels like to be alone and we both know what it feels like to only want to be comforted by someone who really knows and really cares about whats going on. I will not say that you will never feel alone again, because then I'd be lying. The road ahead of you is not an easy one. But one day you will have everything your heart desires, and thats SO much better then any amount of friends.

I am still searching for what exactly i'm trying to tell you without telling you the ending, because that just might ruin the whole story. To sum it up in a few words. I know life is hard right now, But don't wonder when it will get better. Because before you know it, it will be better than you imagined. I also hope that you aren't disappointed in the way things turned out.  That you are proud of the person you've become. I know I am happy and that means one day you will be too.

Love,
ME

ALSO (not the letter anymore)
I want to let everyone know the place I found the most acceptance was at summer camp at the salvation army. I had a lot of friends there, and not many people even knew I was different or that I had a reading problem. Of course I had a lot a support from my family. I also want to say I wouldn't be where I am, or who I am, if it wasn't for this experience so of course , I wouldnt change a thing. This letter when in a totally different direction then I originally intended to go, but I like the flow and I really couldnt think of anything better to say then the truth.

what are the days but minutes passing away...

first and foremost I want to say where did the week go? I swear it was only yesterday I started working again. (which was last Monday)

Time always seems to be ticking away. Every time I look back on a week that seem to have just started and realize its over I get a little sad, and wonder if I really enjoyed ever minute I could. Did I saver every smile I could. Evey laugh, Every Moment were I thought to myself "I LOVE this life." My life. Then after I realize It went by fast but it couldn't of been any better I always smile.

I love the life I have. But I cant help but think of the past I had. When time goes so quickly I always find myself wondering am I living the life I should? Did I make all the right choices? I know if I would of done a few things differently I would be in a whole different place than I am right now. Don't get me wrong here, I love my life, My Children, and My husband. I just always find myself getting stuck in the past and wondering How did I get here? I guess the older you get you start to wonder if you're living what you've always wanted (and luckily I am). I turn 23 next Saturday. And I started to wonder If I happened to meet a younger version of myself would the younger me happy to see my achievements. Did I live up to all my expectations as a child? I believe a younger version would be happy to see everything I have been blessed with. But of course you have to realize that I have no idea where I would be with out everything I have. My blessing, pictures below.

kaleigh and collin.

Kevin and collin

(and no our chirstmas tree is not still up this is an old picture)

Kaleigh Having a tea party.

on a very random side note. collin has slept all night long the past two nights!!!! lets hope he keeps it up!
Tomorrow Valentines day, and I'd also like to say HAPPY early valentines day. i'm not super big on these what I like to call "hallmark holidays"... its all about the cards and what they can sell in the stores! but sometimes its kinda fun to Embrace it! and as far as I know i'm not doing anything special but spending time with my family. I'm even working. :)



Growing....

As I've gotten older, I've realized a few things.

I've grown as my children have grown.

I've grown in how I parent.

I've grown in how I love.

I've changed what I like.

I've changed who I am.

but I still am the same in some ways.

I can say I have loved and "lost",

but found greater love since.

I've let people come and go as they please.

When I was a child I swore on my life to never, ever, drink coffee...

Now I can barely go a day without it.

When I was a child I let others put me down

Now I hope my children never let it happen to them.

When I was a Teenager, I thought my parents didnt know what was best for me.

Now I know, they knew better and I probably should of listen to them more.

When I was a Teenager, I thought I knew love,
Now I know, you can always grow more in love, and there are many different types of love. I also know its never easy to lose someone you love...

When I was a Teenager, I have given up and been let down more times then I can count.

Now I know that through the guidance of God, I will find strength.

So many things have changed in my life but I wouldnt change my life for a million dollars. I didnt expect to have everything I ever wanted. I feel truly blessed to have it. I can say the road I have Traveled  has not always been easy, but I wouldn't change a thing. Everything happens for reason. and each problem/ experance brought its own lesson.
I'm excited to grow more and learn more in this life. I can not wait to see what else it brings me. The Joys, the sorrows. whatever it brings I'm ready for tomorrow.